Top Ten Hollywood Conspiracy Theories of the Week

*Presented to you by an overly-analytical Ms. Ashlee Mills with too much time on her hands

10. Tila Tequila is a slutty turtle face sent to destroy us. Also, she cant read cue cards or fake her own lesbianism.

9. Scientology found out something about Will Smith's past (or present?) and has blackmailed him into appearing to be friends with Tom and Katie, thus allowing Tom to show up at every movie premiere Will attends, in an attempt to make Tom look like he is normal and has man-friends, thus forcing Will to take photos together looking like they are whispering in eachothers ears, telling their man-secrets. This is also true for Posh and Becks, and for like a minute and a half, JLo and Mark. You know JLo was having none of that!

8. Addendum to nine: Scientology is a cult based on helping Hollywood Heavyweight Homosexuals hide their identities, thus blackmailing them with said info, and forcing them to hire young wives who's only claim to fame is playing the neurotic paramour of Van Der Beek down on the creek. Watch yourself.

7. Paris Hilton pays Perez Hilton to start rumors/ perpetuate hatred for people who have crossed her, and/or made fun of her. As is evidenced by Kirsten Dunst and Micha Barton whom he has affectionately dubbed The Drunkst and Mushy Fartone. Mature.

6. Lindsey Lohan's entire mission in life is to one-up Paris. She is so jealous and ridiculous that she is destroying her entire career to try and acquire Paris' "fame", notoriety, and sloppy-seconds. And hair color. Embarrassing.

5. P Diddy knows who shot Biggie, and may or may not have arranged it in order to profit from his alleged grief.

4. Halle Berry hired that hot, young model to be her sperm donor. They were never dating, as is evidenced by the occasional "news" that they are having problems. He is most likely gay - but very pretty.

3. The entire Simpson family have lost their minds, dignities, and ability to see straight through their storm of lies, Pr, and mystic tans. Joe Simpson is doing everything and anything he can to get Jessica re-hitched to someone who outshines Vanessa Manillo. Im going to assume there was either begging or compensation to explain this recent Tony Romo voodoo. Only Tina Simpson cries herself to sleep at night wondering how her daughters and husband have turned into nothing but punchlines and fodder for the rest of us. Sad.

2. Tyra Banks is gay.

1. Britney Spears is addicted to Meth. Im pretty sure she is smoking it all day everyday. She already tested positive for amphetamines once. Her behavior is erratic and nonsensical. METH FOLKS. Meth. Just wait till this comes out - You heard it here.


Stay tuned for the follow up to this list entitled "SEE! I hate it when Im right!"