Dear Nursing Department,
During certain recent forced introspections of myself as a possible future Nurse, I am confronted with logical concerns. See, I knew all this. I knew it all existed.
Being overly perfunctory, blunt, business-like and extremely matter-of-fact. These are some of my better traits, my closest companions, realized and utilized mostly in the corporate world, although the bleed over into personal and intimate shall not go unnoticed.
Lets lay out the proverbial cards:
I have, as they say, a strong personality. Im rarely rattled. I compartmentalize easily, am somewhat non-emotional (or I just savor my outbursts for totally non expected moments), and can detach sometimes scarily well. It is not the information, the facts of Nursing, that worry me. The skills and language and science of it is all learnable.
But can you teach me somehow to become ... softer?
I worry that the more Im exposed to clinically: more suffering, more pain, more emergency... the stress of it will actually cause me to become... colder. (This I do not need). It baffles me how that kind of exposure induces anyone to want to hold more hands or caress more cheeks. Its incongruous in my opinion, but what do I know.
This type of Nurse, the one everyone seems to both revere and revile, I acknowledge is necessary in certain departments and settings. And maybe this has been my path all along - to work in certain places and environments because, by nature, I can "handle it". But along the way to that Trauma Center of dreams, I worry about the carnage that will lay in my wake. (I really dont need any more of that, If we are really being honest here). The hurt feelings. The sick kid who whispers "that Nurse is mean." Can you teach me to see illness as less than a job, as more than just another problem to solve?
Can you teach me to not be me?
Am I over-thinking this?
Sincerely,
I dont know what Im doing
3 comments:
You aren't overthinking it, but I think you are caught up in the facts and learning process right now, so you are doubting how it will all play out when the actual person to person interaction happens. AND... you aren't giving yourself enough credit. Knowing you as I do, I would say you can detach and be un-emotional when you choose to, but you are a naturally open, warm, and understanding person. When you told me about becoming a nurse the first thing that entered my mind was how perfect a job that would be for you. You are the ultimate "people person." You can be funny with people who like to laugh, share sarcasm with the sarcastic, and be a good listener to people who need to talk. You won't need to be taught how to be "softer." I am sure you are going to naturally sympathize and feel for the people you will treat. I think the hard part will be fighting the urge to "detach" when the going gets tough. And sometimes, I think being able to detach will be a positive thing too. What I am trying to say it that you WILL KNOW. Learning what you are learning now in school is going to get you the certification you need to practice nursing, but you already possess the qualities that CAN'T be taught. Treating the illnesses will be your job, but establishing a connection with your patients will be your ministry. Nursing is one of the closest job descriptions I can think of to actually being the servant God calls us to be, and the perfect setting to just show people love.
The nurses who "no one likes" are the ones who treat the symptoms, act annoyed when you ask them for things, and only do what's required of them, nothing more. You won't be that way. Sometimes it won't be easy... especially with rude and demanding patients, but just view them as challenges to treat them with even more love. And then there will be the patients who will make YOU feel like the one who was blessed out of the interaction. I'm sure each day the mix will be different, but you can do it!! What a great way to use your God-given abilities to challenge yourself to show people Jesus. I can't think of anyone who would do it better.
This actually made me teary. I have been praying for peace, reassurance, firm reminders that this is all... right. You once again blow me away with your wisdom, foresight, and (com)passionate words. I am actually going to print this up to remind me of the WHY when my doubt, fears, and neuroses set in. You are so great. I miss you.
Love you and I'm so proud of you!
And I miss you, too. A LOT.
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