The Business That Specifically Needs Getting Down Too

Hey Everyone, Its that time again for Ashlee's Pop Culture Roundup. Its been AWHILE hasn't it? In case its been too long, please feel free and take a moment to refresh your drink and your memory: HERE, HERE, HERE, and especially HERE.

Take your time, I'll wait.

Welcome back. Ive missed you. Now that we are all caught up on my snarky missives of old, its officially time we move on to shiny, silky, sexier pastures. I am, of course, speaking of my new Sunday night obsession, AMC's underwatched, underrated, and so far, dirty little secret, Mad Men.


(Oh! This photo alone makes me want to snap, black-girl-neck-swivel, and drag-queen-finger-wag all over it. Its TOO MUCH.)

But before we get into exactly why you SHOULD be watching this show, yet AREN'T (and how I secretly kinda like it that way), lets reminisce about a show we used to all know and love. A show we took in as family, treated as one of our own. A show we fed and cultivated and watched grow. A show that was cute and charming and even iconic for a moment. And then...



And then nothing. We gave this show shelter and it sh*t on the carpet.

All caps means I'm yelling:

WHAT THEE F (SERIES CREATOR) DOUG ELLIN? SEASON 5'S FINALE WAS SO INTENSE, SLID COMFORTABLY INTO AWESOME, THEN HEART-WRENCHING, THEN TENSE AGAIN, AND THEN MIND-BLOWINGLY AMAZING THAT EVERYONE WAS PLEDGING ALLEGIANCE AND READY TO SIGN ON FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF:
- VINCE WHINING AND ACTING LIKE A PRE-PUBESCENT GIRL, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HAVING THE BODY OF ONE
- DRAMA BEING DRAMA (I JUST CAN'T WITH HIM)
- TURTLE BEING CUDDLY - NOW WITH A GIRLFRIEND!
- ERIC SAYING NEUROTIC, IMPISH, BUSINESS-LIKE THINGS
- AND ARI MOTHER F'ING GOLD CONTINUING TO BE THE BEST CHARACTER ON TELEVISION*

SO SEASON SIX WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ABOUT VINCE'S HOLLYWOOD REDEMPTION, AND YET SOMEWHERE IN THE WRITERS ROOM THAT IDEA GOT SWAPPED WITH THE EVER-BORING "ERIC MURPHY HAS IRRELEVANT LOVE TRIANGLES THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT"???!!!

Not only did Kevin Connolly use his summer hiatus from filming to get some (unreported) plastic surgery, an eye lift to be exact (he is 35 after all), but they literally hired the Geico Gecko to play his weird, possessive, elfin girlfriend for five episodes!


This photo is doing her lizard-esque qualities no justice, although it is highlighting E's recent facial rejuvenation quite nicely. I totally wasted 3/4 of Season 6 staring at Eric's newly tucked upper lids, that is when he wasn't wearing aviator shades, like, indoors! I swear the dailies must have come back and they quickly realized Kev C. looked like a baby goldfish because after episode 1, he proceeded to inexplicably wear dark glasses on camera constantly, even in a dimly lit restaurant! Not only was I mesmerized slash distracted by the constant dichotomy of the glasses on/eyelid tuck merry-go-round, but I found myself placing bets on which "look" E would assault me with in nearly every scene he was in. Shades Vs Surgery! And aside from that Palpebral Double Dutch, I was also subjected to this "actress" who's very presence has literally confounded everyone I talk to about the show. Her casting is so...off. Is she a grade-school runaway with amnesia? Is she an extra from Jurassic Park who wandered onto the set? Does she have a viable explanation for her insanely tiny teeth?! Who can tell!

To round out my very valid points so far, here is a small snippet of dialogue between these two, stolen from basically one of any of the episodes she unfortunately appeared in:

Lizard Face: Hey Eric
Eye lift: Hey Ashley
LF: Are you still seeing/doing/emailing/calling/loving your ex-girlfriend, we all kind of forgot about, Sloan?
EL: No, of course not, why would you think that?
LF: Because I answered your phone/listened to your voicemail/read your email/stalked your house/and stopped eating solid foods in the event that you were.
EL: I have no idea what you are talking about!
LF: Answer the question - are you still seeing Sloan?!
EL: NO!
LF: ARE YOU??
EL: NAY!
LF: ARE YOU SURE??????!!!!
EL: YES!
LF: (weepy lizard tears)
EL: ....um Ashley... I am in fact torn between you and Sloan even though Ive spent the last 5 seasons never being able to female multitask, or even lie for that matter, but now, while Im wearing these aviators, it feels like a good time to be, confusingly, an unlikely and unexplained Lothario.
LF: I knew it! You're all the same!
EL: Lets just pretend we didnt hire you solely because you're the only actress shorter than me in Hollywood who showed up to my "Eric Murphy Resurgence/Damn You, I was in The Notebook Too!" casting call.
LF: Sigh... I need some flies.

And Scene.

At this point in my rant, I would move on to update you with whats been going with the rest of the characters in the show. Guess what, THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT! Entourage has been spending almost 60% of its time on Eric and his totally unclear banter between Sloan (who's nude lipstick this season was a MAJOR oversight in the makeup department - we get it, she's Morrocan. Settle down), and the aforementioned Anorexic Terradactyl. Seriously, no one has ever cared about Eric Murphy this much to dedicate a whole season to his baby love life. His character only exists to be the buffer between the audience and Vince's calculated vanity. To assume that we would spend a whole season engrossed in this ridiculous back and forth with any real gusto is giving credit to superficially written characters where no credit was ever due. FAIL Doug Ellin.

But WAIT, you say. What about the antidote, the spice, the palate cleanser to all things flaccid, muted, and boring: ARI GOLD.



This actually superbly written character is beyond cathartic for, not only a mouthy know-it-all like myself, but for many others who wish they could publicly strip, defrock and verbally denude moronic fools on a regular basis, and still be respected for it (A girl can dream). His tounge lashings are more explosively satisfying than, say ... eating a year's supply of fried rice (this is a family blog). He very literally is THE BALLS (Ha! I lied, no biological children read this), and really the only part of Entourage that will live on in HBO and pop culture infamy.

My good friend (I wish) Sports Writer Bill Simmons put it perfectly by noting:
"I continue to think it's time for "Entourage" to dump Vince and his boys, then flip the show so it involves Ari signing another rising star (this time, an African-American rapper/actor -- think 2Pac circa 1994) and we basically go through the whole "getting famous" thing again. And every four years, we dump the guys and find a new actor and a new entourage. It should be like a presidential term. Four years and you're out."

I WOULD WATCH THAT SHOW. Why this hasn't yet been considered by HBO, or even by Piven's people, is beyond me. Ari's story arc for ATLEAST four episodes this season was a strange over-concern with his new business partner's infidelity. Since when did Ari Gold ever care about anything that didnt involve war, hostility, espionage or bloodshed?! He typically enjoys ruining lives, not mending them, and yet somehow its always endearing. Spending more than half an episode on his weird out-of-character tangent was so off-putting and foreign, I started to wonder if Piven's recent "Mercury Poisoning" scandal (Read: Serious Cocaine Habit) wasn't the impetus for this sudden (fictional) image revamp. Its as if someone on Team Piv whispered suddenly "Psst, we need cuddlier and morally astute, NOT brazen assh*le. They're onto us!" For example, the season started off strong with Lloyd finally demanding his due. Rex Lee really peaked in season two, being the sound mind to Ari's drunken mess during his poignant Jerry Maguire moment, all while sitting in a stock car from The Fast and The Furious. Since then, 4 seasons have passed and Lloyd's been a one-note throw away, a tap dance and a smirk, and its been disappointing. We didnt even get more than maybe 1 1/2 episodes of Ari torturing Lloyd for his attempted ascent from the bowels of secretary hell, which promised to actually be satisfying TV. Its like the writers just gave up, and then so did I. This show put Jeremy on the map, awards and accolades withstanding. He should be seriously reinvesting HIS LIFE into this wilted flower, even if he ends up trussed up as the main staple in an ever-rotating cast, atleast THAT would actually make Entourage bearable again.

Truth be told, I got so disenchanted with the show that I stopped watching with three episodes left in the season. When I cant even be bothered to find out how it ended, you know this ship has sailed. (And dont bother telling me because I wrote my own ending which involved all of them drowning on a yacht in the Keys).

Enough! On to genius and brilliance. Ladies and Gents, I give you
THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION:



*Stay tuned as there are 2 episodes left in the season and I have yet to really formulate THE AMAZINGNESS that shall be named.



*WAS. All hail Don Draper.