Lets wax nostalgic shall we. I liked her so much better when she was rocking the likes of this:
She is not even necessarily, technically, in shape! Crazy! Bold! Breezy! FABULOUS!
Aye Amigos. I long for Miss formerly of the block. I even occasionally miss the P Diddy days when her love, in fact, did not cost a thing and she was perpetually waiting for tonight. (Consequently, that video made me want to purchase my own green laser dance beam for my living room. Im not saying I didnt do it either.)
She was ghetto and awesome, and for like 7 months straight all anyone could talk about was her ass. Those were great times people!
And now what? Blah Richie is all hugged up, Paris is trying desperately to keep up and turn their lives into the remake of Freaky Friday: Part Valtrex, Dirrrty Aguilera cleaned up and married Horton Hears a Jew, and even my poster child for insanity and endless entertainment, La Spears, is under lock and key and barely sneaks out once a month to molest a gas station bathroom.
Hark, Can this be? Did the road show of crazy finally run out of tickets, forcing its performers to acquire - gasp - actual shame?!
Or is this just the anti-publicity stunt. The equivalent to a public relations pendulum swinging so far in reverse that cleanliness and demure domesticity is this years crotch shot. I fear the answer is yes, because when Ashlee Simpson plays coy about a possible wedding and baby on board in order to promote her Miley Cyrus-esque third album (Im still on the fence about which one should be more concerned about that similarity: Discuss), we can all assume that the bandwagon of contrived normalcy has already saddled up and started its journey if the Simpson Puppet Show just got wind of it. Nice try A. Simp, but I also liked you better when you were slightly chubby and slopmacking every C Lister in Hollywood:
As opposed to the current 2.0 version, which appears to be the unholy love child of Lindsay Lohan and Katie Holmes. Is that really the blended nut job robot smoothie you want to sip from Ash? I didnt think so.
(Side note - Things are so bad currently that Im forced to discuss the current faux inner workings of Ashlee Simpson for half a post. Really? Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.)
I will say this, Daughtery did in fact teach me a lesson. Be careful what you wish for 'cuz you just might get it. He also taught me that man-liner and bald heads dont mesh well unless you are Brett Micheals. (Tip your waitress, and then stop giving that show ratings you lemmings!)
So I digress.
Is Sane the new Crazy? I will leave it up to the British. If Amy Winehouse suddenly shows up somewhere wearing a retainer and neosporin, then the correct answer has undoubtedly flashed us its lady garden in agreement while exiting a limo. Avert your eyes.
5 comments:
Of all that you mentioned in the article above, the most important is the issue of Brett Michaels. What is the effing deal with the WIG-DANA?!? You know he's straight up nasty-ass bald under there, but he tries to hide it for the cameras by throwing one of two wigs at his audience:
1: Just straight, flat ironed hair, which should never be on a man to begin with;
2: The one with the "random"
braid or two, which just happen to be in the same two spots EVERYTIME.
Me loves me Poison (after all, every rose does have its thorn), but give me an effing break. We know it's not real hair you're sporting!
P.S. I won't even go into the whole kissing thing - CONTROL THE TONGUE! No one likes a sloppy kisser!
HI-larious!!! You are so funny. I know I say that every time, but seriously. I love you!!!
This is why I show up to read this blog!
J Lo has always bored me, so nothing has changed there. But I have been WAITING for you to bash X-tina's husband for so long! I know how much you like her and how um... "not hot" her husband is, so I was sure the day would come when you would make a comment. But come on, slander towards both Jews and Dr. Suess? That is going a bit far. No need to bring Dr. Suess into this.
I also have to point out that I distinctly remember driving in the car with you as you played Ashlee Simpson's first album and said how much you liked her music. That is neither here nor there, but I just thought I would mention it.
"Slopmacking every C lister in Hollywood," was priceless.
An unfortunate drawback to posting various portions of ones autobiography is that your friends with better memories call you out on the select details you left out. Yes, I had an unfortunate love affair with Ashlee Simpson during the Spring of '05. I dont have any excuses except to say that hey you, I didnt steal your boyfriend.
Also, my dear sweet Mrs. Hoehn - Horton Hears a Jew is some of my finer work to ever be published on this blog. Dont question it.
Honestly, I thought the "Horton Hears a Jew" thing was perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read. If that didn't come across in my comment, that is what I meant!! I laughed so hard I pulled a Stephanie Clark and peed on someone else's bed (Cheer camp!). Ok, not really, but I laughed hard!
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